Marshmallows remind me of going camping with my daddy.
I could eat them all night long.
Of course he did make me cough them back up again for breakfast.
This one time, I coughed up an entire Dalmatian.
That ain't nothing. I coughed up a whole tribe of pygmies.
They started looking at me weird.
I remember them. They was quite friendly.
I found a human spinal column in my fecal matter once.
You might want to get that looked at.
Pass the beans, Beans.
- Sheriff? - No, thanks.
Mr Rango? Can you tell us about the Spirit of the West?
- Yeah, tell us about that. - Is it true what they say?
Yes, the Spirit of the West!
The eternally unattainable ideal.
They say he rides in an alabaster carriage
with golden guardians to protect him.
But he only appears to those who have undertaken an epic quest!
And have made it
to the other side.
The other side of what?
It's a metaphor.
My eye!
That's gonna heal right up.
Sheriff? What are you going to do about Rattlesnake Jake?
What? Where?
Sorry about that. Word is you come against him once or twice.
Yeah.
Jake. You mean my brother.
- Your brother? - That's what I said!
But he's a snake and you're a lizard.
Well, Momma had an active social life.
Did he ever bite you?
Sure enough did. Look at that baby. Go ahead, you can touch it.
That's interesting. That there's a belly button.
Luckily, I'm immune to his venom.
Put some in my coffee just to give it a little tang.
Is it true he's only scared of them hawks?
Them's what we call his natural predator.
All this talk of that serpentine devil is putting my quills on edge!
I ain't sleeping tonight. No, sir.
Don't you all worry about a thing. Come tomorrow, we'll locate that water
and return to a hero's welcome.
Friends, before we bunk down
I'd like us all to join hands for a moment,
say a few words to the Spirit of the West.
That's a good idea.
Ain't always spoken rightly to you, Spirit of the West.
But tonight I want to thank you for bringing Sheriff Rango into our lives.
It's a hard life we got.
Sometimes I don't know how we're gonna make it.
But somehow, Sheriff Rango makes me think we will.
We needed a brave man and you sent us one.
Nice to have someone to believe in again.
Thank you, Spirit of the West. Amen.
- Amen. - Amen.
Just checking.
- It's a little cold tonight. - Thank you.
You ever feel like those things are looking at you?
That's a Spanish dagger.
But around here, we just call them the Walking Cactus.
Walking?
There's an old legend they actually walk across the desert to find water.
When I was a little girl, I'd stay up late watching them, to see if they'd move.
I thought if I could follow them, they'd lead me to someplace wonderful.
Someplace with enough water for everyone.
Night after night, I watched them. I never saw them move.
But you're still watching.
Who doesn't want to find someplace wonderful?
We'll find the water, Beans. I promise you.
That's such a lonely sound.
You ever get lonely?
Sometimes.
I can't imagine it. You're such a charmer and everyone likes you so much.
- I never made friends easy like that. - No?
No, we're pretty isolated out there on the ranch,
sort of like being sealed up in a little box.
Don't really see a lot of folks.
I wouldn't know what that's like.
There someone special in your life, Rango?
There used to be. But she couldn't keep her head.
Besides, my life's too dangerous for that kind of thing.
You know, it's an awful solitary existence out there on the prairie.
Riding the ranges and the suchlike.
Beans?
I'm gonna skin you alive, boy! I'm gonna whup you like a red-headed stepchild!
Choleric varmints, ain't they?
Dysfunctional family. Need intervention.
What's that coming?
It's the water.
I have a plan, and each and every one of you has a part to play.
What do I do?
Spoons, you got the most important job of all.
You stay up here on the ridge, and if anything goes wrong,
you give the signal.
Hey, Beans. What size dress you wearing?
- He got it! - Hallelujah!
- He found the water! - You did it, son.
Well, actually...
Why can't you be all brainy like your brother?
Pappy, about that water. There's something I gots to tell you.
Hush up, now. Somebody's coming.
Good sirs, gracious good afternoon to thee and thee and thee.
May I present Madame Lupone's
Terpsichorean Troupe of Travelling Thespians!
- What is that? - I think they's thespians.
Thespians? That's illegal in seven states!
The stage is set. The princess prepares to take her own life.
I yearn for love.
Meanwhile, the lone sentry stands watch at the castle gate.
Stands watch at the castle gate...
Hark! Who goes there?
This plot is highly predictable.
Quiet! This is my favourite part.
Arriving to great fanfare 'twas her aged father,
strucketh by Cupid.
Prithee, unhand my fair daughter
and reach for the...
- Line? - "Reach for the sky!"
What was that?
Must be that immersive theatre.
We got you surrounded!
You and your entire family get your hands up where I can see them.
My entire family?
Grits and spit and collard greens
Waffle chitlins, monkey brains
Refried bones and booger blood
Pickled eggs and flaps of mud
It's a full house.
Looks like we're gonna have ourselves a good old-fashioned standoff.
I'll have you know, you're not looking at our entire contingent.
What's that supposed to be?
That's the signal.
That's the signal! Something must have gone wrong!
So something's supposed to happen?
I am open to suggestions.
Run!
Get on the wagon!
Should we have ourselves some sport, chill'ens?
I likes it when they run.
Maybelle, give the holler!
Looks like we made it!
That audience was quite responsive.
Yeah, well, I think that chromosome pool is about dried up.
We got bats!
Here! You drive.
Looks like there's gonna be soup tonight!
Come on, let's get some!
What in tarnation? Don't shoot the water!
Jedidiah! It's time for the Alabama squeeze box!
Okay, Pa!
I am sensing hostility.
Incoming!
Hello!
Goodbye!
Lasso that swine!
I suggest we take evasive action!
I suggest you shut up and shoot!
- What happened to the Sheriff? - He had a previous engagement!
Boseefus, give them some gumbo now!
What was that? Go check it out!
What is it? Is there a problem?
You could call it that.
Headache.
Is that all you got?
That wasn't altogether unpleasant!
Eat lead!
Here, hold these.
Get your hands off me!
Oh, I'm sorry.
Jump!
It's impossible.
It can't be. It's empty.
There's no water!
No water? Then what the hell we been fighting for?
Sir, you have defiled and desecrated the very sustenance of our livelihood!
I think that there fella in the purty dress is the Sheriff.
That's the same fellow what give us a prospecting permit?
- A what? - Irrelevant! Obfuscation.
You and your kin are under arrest for bank robbery
and the murder of our beloved financial advisor
Johannes Merrimack the Third, AKA, Fluffy Joe.
Sheriff, we didn't kill nobody.
We done tunnelled into that vault, but there weren't nothing in it.
Somebody done robbed that bank before we robbed it.
Then where'd you get this here jug?
That's what I been trying to tell you, Pappy.
I found it in the desert.
Then why in tarnation did you bring it here?
Hold on! You're saying this here jug was empty when you found it?
That's right.
I don't believe a word of it.
- Let's hang them, Sheriff! - String them up!
Who'd dump water in the desert?
Wouldn't be the first time.
It's a puzzle! It's like a big old mammogram!
What's going on, Sheriff?
I don't know.
But I'm going to strip away this mystery and expose its private parts.
You and your kin are coming with me.
They're coming!
Here they come!
Looks like they got them robbers.
Where's the water?
There weren't no water.
Where is he going?
He's going to see the Mayor.
He's got to be pleased with that.
That's a good one, boss!
That's interesting.
I do apologise for the shoes, Mr Rango,
but there's a certain protocol to this game, you understand.
I'm a bit of a stickler for protocol.
Well, that's good, 'cause you got a few questions to answer
and I've got my own protocol.
But why would anyone dump water in the blooming desert?
It does seem a bit na�ve, taking the word of admitted bank robbers.
Besides, once they hang, your job is done.
- Bravo! - Job well done.
But what if somebody did rob the bank before they got there?
And who would do that, Mr Rango?
I was hoping you could tell me.
That sounds marginally near to an accusation.
Take it any way you like.
Something you said keeps rattling around in my frontal lobe.
What's that?
"Control the water and you control everything."
Come now, Mr Rango.
You attribute divine power to me.
How on earth could I possibly control the water?
You've obviously mastered this game.
Well, I've been playing it for many years, sir.
I was here before the highway split this great valley.
I watched the march of progress,
and I learned a thing or two.
Perhaps it's time you started to take the long view,
begin to appreciate the broad sweep of history.
Look out there, son.
You can almost see time passing.
What are you building out here?
The future, Mr Rango, the future.
One day soon, all this is going to fade into myth,
the frontier town, the lawman, the gunslinger.
There's just no place for them any more.
- We're civilised now. - That's right, civilised.
That's what the future holds.
You can either be part of it, or you can be left behind.
Is that what happened to Mr Merrimack? Did he get left behind?
Careful, Mr Rango. You seem to forget you're just one little lizard.
You seem to forget I'm the law around these parts.
Our new sheriff has been playing the hero for so long,
he's actually starting to believe it.
Call in Rattlesnake Jake.
But Jake's the Grim Reaper.
He never leaves without taking a blooming soul.
Do it!
Now be still. You gotta look presentable to meet your maker.
Death has arrived
How will the hero survive?
The Mayor has bought up all the land in the valley,
except for your ranch, Miss Beans.
That just don't make no sense. Without water, that land is useless.
Unless he controls the water.
Like a monkey's bladder!
Then he could bring it back once he's bought up all the land.
But how does he control the water?
Well, you gotta spend some time and train them.
'Cause you know monkeys, when they do go, you rub their nose in it.
Sheriff, we got a problem.
Hold on, Beans. That won't be necessary.
- Hang him till his head turns blue! - Give us them robbers!
Hold on! Calm down, everyone! Let me talk!
- Nail them to the courthouse! - Now, calm down, everybody.
Get them out here so we can cut off their giblets!
You, too, Spoons?
They done taken that water. They taken everything we got!
No one's stringing anyone up. Not while I'm sheriff.
But this is all his fault!
You said you's gonna bring the water back.
It's just, we got no hope without that water.
We got nothing left to believe in.
You see that sign up there?
As long as that sign says "Sheriff,"
you can believe that there's law and order in this town.
But without law and order, ruminate on that. Oh, yeah.
Starts out slow, like a fungus.
Somebody says a cross word. Accusations start flying.
Neighbour turns on neighbour. Pretty soon, we're eating our children!
And then dogs and cats are getting together
to create all sorts of unnatural mutant aberrations!
So, you want something to believe in, Spoons?
Believe in me.
Believe in that there sign.
For as long as it hangs there, we got hope.
Hello, brother.
Thirsty?
Long time, brother. How you been keeping?
Well, you know...
I hear you been telling about how you killed all them Jenkins brothers.
With one bullet, wasn't it?
Isn't that right?
All these good folks here believe your little stories, don't they?
Why, they believe you're just a stone killer, don't they?
Seems these folks trust you.
They think you're gonna save their little town.
They think you're gonna save their little souls!
But we know better, don't we?
So why don't you show your friends here what you're made of?
Show them who you really are.
Why don't you just pull your gun and shoot me?
But, of course, you won't need all these.
Just one, right?
Go ahead, hero. Pull the trigger.
You got killer in your eyes, son?
I don't see it.
You didn't do any of them things you said, did you?
You didn't kill them Jenkins brothers. You ain't even from the West!
Are you?
- Say it! - No.
Speak up. I don't think your friends here heard you.
No.
All you've done is lie to these good people.
You ain't nothing but a fake and a coward. Isn't that right?
Yes.
- Louder! - Yes.
Listen close, you pathetic fraud.
This is my town now.
If I ever see you again, I will take your soul straight down to hell!
Who are you?
Who am I?
I'm nobody.
Golden guardians.
The alabaster carriage.
The Spirit of the West.
Excuse me? Mister Spirit, sir?
There's a beaut. Sometimes you got to dig deep to find what you're looking for.
So you made it.
Is this heaven?
If it were, we'd be eating Pop-Tarts with Kim Novak.
Yeah.
No kidding. What are you doing out here?
Searching, same as you.
I don't even know what I'm looking for any more.
I don't even know who I am.
They used to call you the Man with No Name.
These days they got a name for just about everything.
Doesn't matter what they call you. It's the deeds make the man.
Yeah, but my deeds just made things worse. I'm a fraud. I'm a phoney!
My friends believed in me, but they need some kind of hero.
Then be a hero.
No. No, no, you don't understand. I'm not even supposed to be here.
That's right. You came a long way to find something that isn't out here.
Don't you see? It's not about you.
It's about them.
But I can't go back.
Don't know that you got a choice, son.
No man can walk out on his own story.
So you made it.
That's right, amigo. The other side of the road.
Did you just see that?
We each see what we need to see.
Beautiful, isn't it?
Yeah.
It is.
Come, my friend. I want to show you something.
Many years ago, this entire valley was covered in agua.
Now only one question remains.
Where did it go?
They follow the water.
They follow the water! Come on!
That just don't make no sense. Without water, that land is useless.
What are you building out here?
The future, Mr Rango.
You can either be part of it, or you can be left behind.
I was here before the highway split this great valley.
I watched the march of progress
and I learned a thing or two.
Control the water
and you control everything.
Come now, Mr Rango.
You attribute divine power to me.
How on earth could I possibly control the water?
What now, amigo?
No man can walk out on his own story.
I'm going back.
But why?
Because that's who I am.
You got a lot of nerve showing up here, lawman. What is it you want?
Your pappy and them boys are about to hang for something they didn't do.
But I've got a plan.
I appreciate how difficult this is for you, Beans.
But you're making a practical decision.
Decisions, decisions.
There's no need for any more suffering.
Your family's ranch is nothing but a wasteland now.
Sign the deed and relieve yourself of your father's burden.
My daddy was not a burden!
Keep your blood money and I'll keep my land!
Do what he says or, by all the fires of the black pit,
I'll squeeze them pretty brown eyes out of your skull!
Now, hold on, Jake. There's no need to...
Let me do my job! You brought me in.
Now we're gonna play this thing out to the end!
Sign the damn paper, woman!
Go to hell!
Where do you think I come from?
Look into my eyes.
I want to see you die.
Jake!
I'm calling you out!
Jake!
This day just got a little more interesting.
Put her down.
Or what, little man? You going to kill me?
That's just about the size of it.
- Get your filthy paws off me! - Shut your gob!
All right, Sheriff, make your move.
Now, amigos!
- Heave! Heave! - Heave! Heave!
That was a bad idea.
Thirsty, brother?
Here it comes!
No. No!
It's a miracle!
Look out!
- Lookee there! - What is that?
It's our salvation, Pa!
It's a jailbreak, boys! We're busting out!
I'm gonna blow so many holes in you, your guts'll be leaking lead!
Well, then it's a good thing I brought some backup.
What?
Ain't no hawk.
Ain't nothing but bats!
Stick to the plan, boys! Let's bleed that devil dry!
It only takes one bullet.
You ain't got the nerve.
Try me.
Oh, Mr Rango.
Aren't you forgetting something?
Hand me your gun, Sheriff.
Now, Mr Rango.
Beans! Hold on. Don't worry, I got a plan.
Help!
Open the door!
Okay, plan B.
Beans, you're mumbling.
All my problems taken care of except for one.
It's a new West, Jake.
There's no room for gunslingers any more. We're businessmen now.
Yeah, we got new hats.
Where I come from, we call this improvisation.
You came back.
What was that?
No need to panic, but I think you just swallowed plan B.
What?
Okay, panic time.
You and the Sheriff are more alike than you think.
You're nothing but legends.
Pretty soon, no one will believe you even existed.
One last bullet to kill one last outlaw.
How fitting.
Sheriff, I'm sure if we work together,
we can reach a mutually beneficial solution to our current situation.
You better take it up with him.
One bullet.
I tip my hat to you,
one legend to another.
What was that you said?
"Pretty soon, no one will believe you even existed."
No, Jake! No!
Rango!
You brought the water back, just like you promised.
You really are a hero.
Well, the thing about heroes is, whenever you...
Don't spoil it.
Right.
Well, I don't know about you all, but I could sure go for a dip.
And so the lizard completes his journey
from humble beginnings to the legend we sing of today.
And although he is certain to die, perhaps from a household accident,
which account for 65% of all unnatural deaths,
the people of the village will honour his memory
even as they abandon their dignity.
- I'm going in. - How about a cold one, there?
Water ain't money. Money is money.
Well, I ain't got no...
We have a problem.
Who let Snuggles in the pool again?
I really think you complete me.
Prithee, unhand my fair maiden.
- Cut. Cut. Everybody, take five. - How can they take this any more?
Oh, you kids.
What did you do that for?
I was just checking. I hope you don't get too sunburned.
You can peel a man's face right off.
- What is it? - That there's some human spleen.
Don't touch it.
That's the second time that's happened to me.
This water thing's great.
I'm urinating right now.
Adult swim, next five minutes.
Stay between the buoys.
I packed your lunch. Danish is in there
and I picked the raisins out just the way you like it.
Don't forget, your nasal spray is in your saddle-bag...
- Beans! ...and your moisturising lotion...
- Now, Beans! We've talked about this. - Lotion?
That's for my gun. That's gun lotion.
Sherriff, where are you headed?
There's trouble down a dry creek. Bad Bill's been acting up again.
Now, honey, you come back with all your digits.
And don't go trying to be a hero.
Beans, you are missing the point.
I got an image to protect now.
Where's my Tic Tacs?
- I found them. - What's going on?
You know, in order to satisfy the needs of the collective,
the hero must abandon the self
and solidify his image as an icon that will forever be remembered.
So, this is the sunset shot.
Give them a good one, amigo.
Ready, Excelsior?
My fellow comrades.
There will be times when you doubt yourself.
When you feel pummelled by the cataclysms of life,
remember this moment. Remember me.
Know that I will be there watching you,
sometimes at inappropriate moments.
That's part of the deal.
And remember, within all of us resides
the true Spirit of the...
Let's take it from the top.